Sunday, June 13, 2010
A new chapter
So this last month has been pretty hectic for me to say the least, and I've had a lot on my mind, these past few months have had their trials, and I truly believe that I have been finding things to fill the big gaping hole inside of me i think a few weeks ago i had finally hit rock bottom, after everything came crashing down on me all at once i guess i was just having a "recovery" time to myself, i didn't want to talk to anyone, i had so much hate inside of me towards myself and towards other people. As a result from all of these emotions i think i had become a little depressed and gained some weight, of course ive been thinking about losing weight for a while but the other day i was looking at myself in the mirror and found all of the reasons why people told me i look unhealthy, im breaking out, i have dark circles in my eyes, my lips have scabs on them from nervously biting them and i just looked into my eyes and saw the same girl before i got sent to my program, i was talking to my mom the other day and we were talking about my phobias and my biggest phobia is being stuck at home alone all day and my mom told me that she thinks the reason why i hate being by myself is because i dont like who i am inside, thats when i think i realized ive been trying too hard to find myself and i think my mom made a good point so now im just going to take things slow with myself and live in the present, along with me saying that i feel unhealthy ive decided to make this blog a weight loss log also. I will be posting pictures and talking about my journey with you guys, i havent weighed myself in over a year, and to be frank im kind of scared to see how much i weigh right now so my mom will be writing down my weight monthly, my goal right now will be to lose 50 pounds, i want to feel good about myself and feel healthy and i think writing this for everyone to see will be more of a motivation to not give up. my uncle drew told me once that God wants us to throw our old selves away and give our new selves to him completley! thats what im trying to do right now, this is going to be sooo hard but i can do it! wish me luck :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
go get 'em girl!!!!!!!!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI somewhat understand what you are going through. I was at a boarding school (Efterskole) last year and have struggled with the result of my one year exile from life.
ReplyDeleteI was not a rebellious teenager. In fact I was the quiet one who didn’t drink and didn’t interact with my classmates. I was just mining my own businesses. I got good grades in written assignments but because I didn’t speak much, the rest was not something to talk about. But what can I say. It was just how I was and still is.
The boarding school was properly less strict than the one you attended. I found it on Fornits Wiki and then it is still as they keep records on the real strict ones all over the world even here in Denmark. But still I was sent to a place where you send Danish teens who cannot adapt the social demands Danish teenagers enjoy on the outside. I shared school with a lot of teenagers who had parents from the Middle East. While it was a Christian boarding school with prayers and you name it, they were in fact Muslims. But as one of them told me his parents preferred a strict Christian environment rather than Godlessness as they saw the general society. The Danes has made a law which can make it a criminal offense to send your child abroad as they mostly returns as suicide bombers, so parents have to find a solution in Denmark.
So there I was a normal teenager among all the prison candidates. It was odd and scary. The environment inside the school was so intense and when you came home the quietness in the house made me hide under me bed.
Unfortunately I still have problems about being alone. I cannot participate fully in the high school when it comes to being with my peers as they use the Friday bar (In Denmark it is legal to drink alcohol once you are 16 as long as the percentage is below 16.5 which is scientifically safe) and all the parties. I am a loner but the loneliness did scare me to a point that I was close to end it all.
I did however find some comfort by writing about my anger over the abandonment by my parents and how different we at the school were treated compared with the teens on the outside. I am better now.
Now I know that I never will get that year back, but I have parked my anger and frustrations in my blog, so it is as a burden is gone from my shoulders. I can move on.
I recognize some of the problems about adapting to the real life. I don’t know if my school helped me or it was a kind of timeout until I matured which did all the work. I guess that people in our situation never will know the answer to that question.
I can see that you carry the burden of your stay also. There are unanswered questions about methods and treatment you need to park on paper, so you can move on. I believe that you can help yourself by writing something about what took place out there. It is just a suggestion.