A new chapter

So this last month has been pretty hectic for me to say the least, and I've had a lot on my mind, these past few months have had their trials, and I truly believe that I have been finding things to fill the big gaping hole inside of me i think a few weeks ago i had finally hit rock bottom, after everything came crashing down on me all at once i guess i was just having a "recovery" time to myself, i didn't want to talk to anyone, i had so much hate inside of me towards myself and towards other people. As a result from all of these emotions i think i had become a little depressed and gained some weight, of course ive been thinking about losing weight for a while but the other day i was looking at myself in the mirror and found all of the reasons why people told me i look unhealthy, im breaking out, i have dark circles in my eyes, my lips have scabs on them from nervously biting them and i just looked into my eyes and saw the same girl before i got sent to my program, i was talking to my mom the other day and we were talking about my phobias and my biggest phobia is being stuck at home alone all day and my mom told me that she thinks the reason why i hate being by myself is because i dont like who i am inside, thats when i think i realized ive been trying too hard to find myself and i think my mom made a good point so now im just going to take things slow with myself and live in the present, along with me saying that i feel unhealthy ive decided to make this blog a weight loss log also. I will be posting pictures and talking about my journey with you guys, i havent weighed myself in over a year, and to be frank im kind of scared to see how much i weigh right now so my mom will be writing down my weight monthly, my goal right now will be to lose 50 pounds, i want to feel good about myself and feel healthy and i think writing this for everyone to see will be more of a motivation to not give up. my uncle drew told me once that God wants us to throw our old selves away and give our new selves to him completley! thats what im trying to do right now, this is going to be sooo hard but i can do it! wish me luck :)

Love

We all seem to have our own idea of "Love" set in our minds don't we? I know I do, I guess I could call myself a hopeless romantic. I really think that a lot of us women go see romantic movies and like to tell ourselves that what we see in those movies is real, sorry people, but "The Notebook" is NOT very realistic, I would know for myself. I have been with a couple guys where I would hope that our relationship would turn out just like it would in a movie, there was one guy where i thought i was his world, he was mine, and i thought he would do anything for me, we would fall in love and everything would be perfect, i thought i had waited so long and went through so many different guys to get to this amazing, funny, caring, attractive guy. that he was "the one". apparently in his eyes he didn't view me in the same way. and i had my heart broken completely, i feel like it was the ultimate let down, no feeling could ever compare to this. But at the same time, i guess i am pretty thankful for everything i've been going through and what i've already gone through because i'm learning a lot and i'm gaining a lot of wisdom through it all and hopefully i can share my testimony with girls that will go through what i'm going through right now. I have complete faith that my heavenly father is going to send me someone so amazing, someone who is going to blow my mind completely and make me wonder to myself, "Why did he choose me?" I just know that God could not have made me to long for love and marriage so badly to not let me have those things one day, but I know right now I just need to focus on myself, figure out who i am and love myself before i can have both of those things, and it's going to be so hard to find myself because unfortunately, our world is full of so much hurt and there are so many distractions that can get in the way of that journey, we just need to learn how to cope with it, and the best way to do that is to take a journey deep into Gods word and let him guide you completely, it's not easy at all, because i'm trying to do this with myself right now, but i feel like i'm trying too hard to find myself and to love myself when i think i just need to give myself some time. i know i can do it and ill be there eventually. i just wanted to thank everyone who has been keeping up with me and keeping me in your prayers, they mean the world to me and its helping me more than you know, i can really feel God moving through me and speaking to me through everything going on in my hectic life right now. love you guys