A new chapter

So this last month has been pretty hectic for me to say the least, and I've had a lot on my mind, these past few months have had their trials, and I truly believe that I have been finding things to fill the big gaping hole inside of me i think a few weeks ago i had finally hit rock bottom, after everything came crashing down on me all at once i guess i was just having a "recovery" time to myself, i didn't want to talk to anyone, i had so much hate inside of me towards myself and towards other people. As a result from all of these emotions i think i had become a little depressed and gained some weight, of course ive been thinking about losing weight for a while but the other day i was looking at myself in the mirror and found all of the reasons why people told me i look unhealthy, im breaking out, i have dark circles in my eyes, my lips have scabs on them from nervously biting them and i just looked into my eyes and saw the same girl before i got sent to my program, i was talking to my mom the other day and we were talking about my phobias and my biggest phobia is being stuck at home alone all day and my mom told me that she thinks the reason why i hate being by myself is because i dont like who i am inside, thats when i think i realized ive been trying too hard to find myself and i think my mom made a good point so now im just going to take things slow with myself and live in the present, along with me saying that i feel unhealthy ive decided to make this blog a weight loss log also. I will be posting pictures and talking about my journey with you guys, i havent weighed myself in over a year, and to be frank im kind of scared to see how much i weigh right now so my mom will be writing down my weight monthly, my goal right now will be to lose 50 pounds, i want to feel good about myself and feel healthy and i think writing this for everyone to see will be more of a motivation to not give up. my uncle drew told me once that God wants us to throw our old selves away and give our new selves to him completley! thats what im trying to do right now, this is going to be sooo hard but i can do it! wish me luck :)

Love

We all seem to have our own idea of "Love" set in our minds don't we? I know I do, I guess I could call myself a hopeless romantic. I really think that a lot of us women go see romantic movies and like to tell ourselves that what we see in those movies is real, sorry people, but "The Notebook" is NOT very realistic, I would know for myself. I have been with a couple guys where I would hope that our relationship would turn out just like it would in a movie, there was one guy where i thought i was his world, he was mine, and i thought he would do anything for me, we would fall in love and everything would be perfect, i thought i had waited so long and went through so many different guys to get to this amazing, funny, caring, attractive guy. that he was "the one". apparently in his eyes he didn't view me in the same way. and i had my heart broken completely, i feel like it was the ultimate let down, no feeling could ever compare to this. But at the same time, i guess i am pretty thankful for everything i've been going through and what i've already gone through because i'm learning a lot and i'm gaining a lot of wisdom through it all and hopefully i can share my testimony with girls that will go through what i'm going through right now. I have complete faith that my heavenly father is going to send me someone so amazing, someone who is going to blow my mind completely and make me wonder to myself, "Why did he choose me?" I just know that God could not have made me to long for love and marriage so badly to not let me have those things one day, but I know right now I just need to focus on myself, figure out who i am and love myself before i can have both of those things, and it's going to be so hard to find myself because unfortunately, our world is full of so much hurt and there are so many distractions that can get in the way of that journey, we just need to learn how to cope with it, and the best way to do that is to take a journey deep into Gods word and let him guide you completely, it's not easy at all, because i'm trying to do this with myself right now, but i feel like i'm trying too hard to find myself and to love myself when i think i just need to give myself some time. i know i can do it and ill be there eventually. i just wanted to thank everyone who has been keeping up with me and keeping me in your prayers, they mean the world to me and its helping me more than you know, i can really feel God moving through me and speaking to me through everything going on in my hectic life right now. love you guys

Quiet

Isn’t it hard for us to stop our busy lives for a while to just sit in silence and be still? We live in a world where it is always go go go, constantly being busy, when you’re done with one task it’s on to the next one. a lot of us seem to have that lifestyle, if were not always on the go, we start to feel uncomfortable. I know for myself that I feel the need to always get out, go do this go do that, I always think, “oh I wish I was here right now doing this.” when i get to the place I’m so anxious to get to, I get anxious to go to the next place, I never want to be home. Just recently I started reading the bible again and I remember when I attended Julian Youth Academy, every single morning we would go into the dining room and we would open our bibles to a psalm one day and then proverbs the next day and we would switch back and fourth everyday. I remember we would never have music on during our reading time, and no one was allowed to talk. Right now im trying to start doing that again, every morning I made a goal for myself to sit in silence for 10 minutes a day and I read 1 psalm, It starts my day on a positive note, and gives me a little bit of peace throughout my day, when I struggle with something, I think back to the Psalm I read that morning and it comforts me. We all need a little bit of silence every day to ourselves and God, it keeps us sane. Our God is a God of peace so when you feel weary or tired, take some time out of your crazy hectic day and sit, be still and listen to the Lord

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened , and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light”- Matthew 11:28-30

Tears

( cries, cried) [ intrans. ]

shed tears, esp. as an expression of distress or pain

At least at one point in our lives, we all cry, wether it be out of joy, sadness, frustration, or anger, we all do it. The past couple of weeks for me have been very difficult, which resulted in me shedding countless tears, from family issues ending with me moving out at 17, to having my heart broken completely by a man who i was convinced of being in love with. I don’t want to get too personal here, not just yet, the wounds are still fresh and relationships are still in the process of being healed. Last saturday, (May 21) was the last time I thought I would let myself cry over my heartbreak, over the bridges I burned with my family, over the lost relationship I had with God, and with being overwhelmed being in the position I’m in at my life right now, I was wrong, today I went searching for jobs out in sun city, I felt fine, confident, telling myself that i feel comfortable with where i am and that everything will be fine with me living in sun city, towards the end of my day, i would let my mind deeply dwell on the past, what my future looks like, how i’m going to make it in the world on my own, the first person that came to mind was my mom, at that point, I completely lost it in the car with my grandma. Burying my head between my knees i sobbed, I felt weak. Why couldn’t I just keep going without crying? I thought to myself, I thought I was doing so well, i was getting stronger and more confident. Sometimes, we all just need a good cry or two over things were still hurting over, its good for us, but dont make it a habit, because if we let ourselves drown in our own pity, we will go nowhere in life. I find that when I cry, I like to picture God sitting right next to me through all of the chaos, it seems kind of creepy of me, but every time it gives me comfort. Find something when youre going through a difficult time that gives you comfort and cling to it, wether it be journaling, prayer, cooking, etc.. I remember hearing a while back when i was attending my girls boarding school a staff would say, “this came to pass” the school i went to was a very difficult place, and it took alot of hard work to get out of there but exactly what mrs. richardson said, “it came to pass” is so comforting to me. if youre suffering, its not going to last forever, it might sting for a while but it goes away eventually. So if youre going through something tough right now, KEEP BUSY! it always takes your mind off of our struggles. I personally have been trying to keep as busy as possible, praying, and reading a psalm out of the bible everyday, i still know that there still will be days when i feel weak and i will dwell on my heartbreak and i will cry, but i will continue to grow from these hard experiences. Things may be tough right now, but everything has its own season, never forget that.

“I am worn out from groaning;

all night long i flood my bed with weeping

and drench my couch with tears.

My eyes grow weak with sorrow;

they fail because of all my foes.

away from me all you who do evil,

for the Lord has heard my weeping.

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;

the Lord accepts my prayer.

All of my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;

They will turn back in sudden disgrace”-Psalm 6:6-10

royalty

Remember when you were younger, playing dress up was one of your favorite things? I know that when I was younger playing dress up, compared to then and now, dress up was as good as having a spa day to yourself. I remember when I was young, dressing up as a princess was always my favorite thing, because I loved the way i felt when i wore my princess dress at grandmas, I felt like royalty. Don’t we want to feel like royalty all the time even now in our lives? A lot of us women seem to look to magazines and media and find our self worth in those magazines, we look at the beautiful movie stars and think, “If only i looked like her..” “If only I had her body...” “If i had everything that they have, my life would be perfect..” Throughout my life I would look into the media and think those things exactly, I’m not exactly what you would want to call “thin” and throughout school i was always made fun of for my weight and i would come home almost everyday after school, sit on my bed and just cry for hours, because i wanted to fit in so badly with the “popular” kids so i struggled for a long time with bulimia, changing my image, everyday I just remember looking in the mirror and thinking, “I guess this is just as good as it’s going to get” trying to find ways to “perfect” myself because everything i had was never enough. There are points in our lives where we think that royalty is only found in the way we look, how we are treated by others, how much money we have, our material things. When in the end it is really all about how we view ourselves, we need to choose to love ourselves because no matter how much we have, it will never be enough. we need to find our self worth in our savior, The God who created the universe, the oceans, the mountains, he is the only one who will give us our self worth. That most certainly does not mean after we accept our savior and let him show us how beautiful we really are, that we wont still look in the mirror sometimes and think that we dont look so beautiful, thats normal, but keep your guard up because the enemy is always looking for sneaky ways to degrade you, don’t listen to that small voice telling you “ you’re ugly, if God really loved you, why did he make you so unattractive.” this is not true. it says in the bible “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:14. Read that and live it! You were FEARFULLY (respectfully) and WONDERFULLY made!

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:14

starting point

My life was not always like a roller coaster, there was a time in my life when it didn’t matter if my clothes matched, if I had food on my face, when I could act as silly and immature as I wanted and it never mattered to me what people thought of me. Eventually we all learn that we need to grow up and find our place in society and get the tools we need to survive on our own; You could look at it as a baby bird leaving its nest for the first time, some find it easy to leave the nest and don’t run in to many problems on the way, the likelihood of that happening is very slim. Unfortunately a lot of us try and fly but continuously fall and it’s all about the choice in either getting up again and trying to fly again, or if you’re going to just stay on the ground and not try to fly again. When we fall its usually because we have lost sight of who we are and we decide to take our own route in life verses taking our Heavenly Fathers route, the route that leads to anything but destruction. A lot of us choose to go with that road at least once or twice or ten times in our lives! It might take you having to hit rock bottom to know that your own plan for yourself will NEVER work, trust me, I would know. This is a blog about heartbreak, hardship, loneliness, hope, perseverance and finding love for yourself. a majority of this blog will contain stories from my life and ways that i made it through the storms in my life, to give any girl hope out there, you’re not alone in your struggles. God is always there.

“...because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;

never will I forsake you.” -Hebrews 13:5